Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
