I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
