i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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