I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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