I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
