The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
