he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
