I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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