I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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