im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
