allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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