He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize