I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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