Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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