also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
