I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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