just tell him i said nine months
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize