If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
