My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Randomize
