i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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