Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
they're like a gay fantastic four
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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