Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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