its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
