She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I love you. Go after that dick
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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