Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
