its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
