mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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