I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
