So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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