dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
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