her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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