On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
