I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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