Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
