the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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