I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
