That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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