a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
