if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
