I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
