I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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