I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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