only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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