i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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