Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
