3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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