i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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