so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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