We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
