theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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