ya dads aren't the best wingmen
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
