so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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