You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
