I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
