I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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