No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
