worst night to have a conscience
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's rum buckets o'clock
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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