And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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