Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
