Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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