I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
