My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
