You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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