dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
