it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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