i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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