I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
