i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize